You know the nerves you feel when starting something new? Or just before a test, when you're supposed to prove just how much you already know — just how good you are? That's kind of how I feel right now. Just before I'm going to start revising. Thinking about how I want to make my book great and worrying that for some reason it won't live up to the potential that it could be.
Maybe you're not supposed to talk about the fact that you're nervous, or that for some reason there's this feeling of pressure around this revision process. But I can't be the only one, right? All writers have moments of anxiety and uncertainty. All writers just want their efforts to pay off and their books to be worthy of satisfaction on our parts as well as on the part of a reader. But still, I don't like this feeling. But it is what I'm feeling. So therefore I write about it.
I've taken a few weeks off to 'relax' and give myself some distance from my novel. I was going to start revising a week or two ago, but when the moment came, I just knew it wasn't time. So I pushed back the deadline and rested some more. But now as my new deadline approaches, I'm not hit with the feeling of not being ready. I think it's time. I think for my own sake I need to get back into some work. But as I start thinking about revising, I can't lie, I have butterflies in my stomach and feeling of slight dread hanging over my head. I don't think this dread is at all do to the novel, because I loved it when I finished and I still do. I think the dread has much more to do with expectations. My expectations.
I want to make this novel great. Really polished and tight and captivating, you know? And on some level I think I have part of the latter one down. But I know there's a lot of work ahead of me. And with so much hope for what this book could be, and so much love for my characters and my plot, I really, really, really want my revising to pay off.
But revising is hard. Revising is daunting. Perhaps when I dive into the work and I am so entrenched in it that I'm no longer thinking about revising but actually revising I will feel better. I will be too busy working to be worrying as much. And I will be so involved with the story that my intuition will know just what to do and just how to do it.
I am tremendously thankful that I've been able to work with my mentor this semester and for all her guidance along the way. And I am also tremendously thankful that the previous semester I have the experience of working with a fantastic editor who truly taught me what it means to revise — the rigorous, take no prisoners, cutting kind of revision that is necessary to really make a book shine. So maybe I just have to put my worries aside and jump right into the work, attacking the revision like I had so many months ago.
I think I just need to trust that I will do my best and my best will be enough. But of course that is never easy, especially when it comes to writing and the hope of publication. Regardless, I think that's the only course of action:
Work hard. Trust your abilities. Seek guidance from those you trust. And then work harder.
So wish me luck. I'm not starting today, but the time is coming soon. Any positive thoughts you'd like to send my way, I'd be happy to take! I'll be hoping your revisions go well, too, and praying that none of us let our insecurities or fears stop us.
The life of a writer is plagued with many emotions. But it's the life we choose and I know, it's what we love. So here's to taking the journey, separately, but also together!
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Deciding It's Okay, And Choosing Yourself — How to Avoid Burn Out
Sometimes you can only focus on one thing at a time. And sometimes that thing isn't what you may deem "productive". But it is. It is productive to rest. It is productive to spend time pursuing other interests, or laughing with friends, or sitting outside in the sun. So I'm going to keep this blog post short. Because this week, I have not been focusing as much on writing. Instead, I've been focusing on rest.
I thought I'd start to revise this week. But when Monday rolled around, I just knew I didn't have it in me. Now, as someone who likes to work hard, create and stick to schedules, and produce a lot of material, it was hard for me to honor how I truly felt. Maybe I should just push through, I thought. Tiredness doesn't matter, I told myself, the work matters. And sometimes this is true. But not all the time. And not this week.
See, between grad school and my job, it's been a long two years. So the simple truth is I am tired. And that's okay, right? It's okay to recognize that you need a break. And it's okay to slow down a bit. And it's okay to take a step back and shift your focus. But this can be hard. Especially for pretty regimented people like me, but also just for people with goals or want to create. Writers, that is. But for writers, part of the writing process is rest, and self-care, and being honest with yourself. Because if we seek to be honest with our books, don't we need to be honest in our own lives? I read a commencement speech by John Green this week, and one quote I remember is this:
"Also, you may have heard that it is better to burn out than fade away. This is ridiculous. It is much better to fade away. Always. Fade. Away."
Burning out is not the way to go. And clearly, I have no desire to fade away either, in my work, in my life, or in myself. But what Green is getting at is true. We live in a culture that tells us to go, go, go, and to reach for the stars and work til we make it and achieve while we're young and be the standout and push the limits and distinguish ourselves. But even reading that sentence is tiring. And the truth is we all need a break sometimes. So instead of telling myself I'd start on this upcoming Monday, I'm giving myself a whole extra week off. Because I'm not ready to get back in the swing of things. And that is okay. Because I choose to make it okay, and because I know it's best for myself and ultimately my writing.
We want to be hard working people, I know. We want to make an impact and share our work. But we can't let the work take over without taking care of ourselves first. So take a break this week. Go laugh or nap or frolick and hang out. Choose yourself, and know that you'll get there. And you, and I — we'll all be okay.
I thought I'd start to revise this week. But when Monday rolled around, I just knew I didn't have it in me. Now, as someone who likes to work hard, create and stick to schedules, and produce a lot of material, it was hard for me to honor how I truly felt. Maybe I should just push through, I thought. Tiredness doesn't matter, I told myself, the work matters. And sometimes this is true. But not all the time. And not this week.
See, between grad school and my job, it's been a long two years. So the simple truth is I am tired. And that's okay, right? It's okay to recognize that you need a break. And it's okay to slow down a bit. And it's okay to take a step back and shift your focus. But this can be hard. Especially for pretty regimented people like me, but also just for people with goals or want to create. Writers, that is. But for writers, part of the writing process is rest, and self-care, and being honest with yourself. Because if we seek to be honest with our books, don't we need to be honest in our own lives? I read a commencement speech by John Green this week, and one quote I remember is this:
"Also, you may have heard that it is better to burn out than fade away. This is ridiculous. It is much better to fade away. Always. Fade. Away."
Burning out is not the way to go. And clearly, I have no desire to fade away either, in my work, in my life, or in myself. But what Green is getting at is true. We live in a culture that tells us to go, go, go, and to reach for the stars and work til we make it and achieve while we're young and be the standout and push the limits and distinguish ourselves. But even reading that sentence is tiring. And the truth is we all need a break sometimes. So instead of telling myself I'd start on this upcoming Monday, I'm giving myself a whole extra week off. Because I'm not ready to get back in the swing of things. And that is okay. Because I choose to make it okay, and because I know it's best for myself and ultimately my writing.
We want to be hard working people, I know. We want to make an impact and share our work. But we can't let the work take over without taking care of ourselves first. So take a break this week. Go laugh or nap or frolick and hang out. Choose yourself, and know that you'll get there. And you, and I — we'll all be okay.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
This Is the Stuff Books Are Made Of
Call me sentimental because it's graduation weekend, and mother's day (hi, Mom!), but the only thing I could think to blog about this week is this — life is full of good things that need to be appreciated, even amidst all the struggles.
That's quite a topic, you're thinking. And yes, it is! But the end of things often bring a time of reflection, and often a little bit of nostalgia and sadness. Yet endings also let you realize just how great things have been; and how great they are.
This week, I have just been so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, encouragement, and celebration I've received. But as I thought about it, that support is not limited to this week. It is not limited to graduation celebrations or words of congratulations. In fact, I've received support throughout my two years in grad school, and in many other times in my life (but for the sake of this post I'm going to focus on grad school). A multitude of people have helped me get through grad school, and though they may not realize it, their contributions were essential, however small they might seem to them. An email, a word of encouragement, a cheer when another assignment was completed, a "you can do it" when I felt like a I couldn't anymore — they were all important, and they were all greatly appreciated.
This week is an easy week to be appreciative. Times of celebration can make everything look good. But really, sometimes the truth is I simply do not stop to appreciate the network of encouragers I do have. In the busyness of life, I forgot that this shouldn't be taken for granted. I miss the love that's happening all around me because I'm too focused on getting myself to the goal.
But with school now over, as I bask in the tremendous amount of support I've recently received, I realize that this is the stuff I need to be cherishing. I need to soak it in. We all do. We need to relish the friendships and the laughter, this time in our lives that will never come again, and the people who are there with us as well as the people who helped get us to where we are.
All this might sound sappy, and I'm not going to lie. I can be a pretty sappy person. But for writers, this goes way beyond sentimentality. Beause this is the stuff that life is made of. And, therefore, this is the stuff that books are made of. Real relationships. Real feelings, good and bad. Complicated, co-existing emotions. Struggles. Wants. Hard work. Tears. Moments of joy followed by feelings of 'now what?' Celebrations. Encouragements. Long days. Life questions. Chasing dreams and holding loved one close. Telling people 'thank you'. Letting yourself cry in front of someone else. Trying your best when you might feel you have no idea what you're doing. And rejoicing in the love that exists all around you.
See, I may be writing this as a currently deeply grateful and hapy graduate, but I am also trying to keep my eyes wide open — to see this moment and chisel it into my mind; to lock this unique moment away in my mind to use for later. Writers not only need to observe, but writers need to live. We need to live in our moments and learn from our experience and hone all of our feelings and observations and truths and questions into our craft so that our characters are alive and our emotions are tangible.
So whoever, and wherever you are, look around. Take inventory of your life. Feel this moment. And then use it. Writing is important, but life should come first. For without it, there's really nothing to write about anyway.
That's quite a topic, you're thinking. And yes, it is! But the end of things often bring a time of reflection, and often a little bit of nostalgia and sadness. Yet endings also let you realize just how great things have been; and how great they are.
This week, I have just been so overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, encouragement, and celebration I've received. But as I thought about it, that support is not limited to this week. It is not limited to graduation celebrations or words of congratulations. In fact, I've received support throughout my two years in grad school, and in many other times in my life (but for the sake of this post I'm going to focus on grad school). A multitude of people have helped me get through grad school, and though they may not realize it, their contributions were essential, however small they might seem to them. An email, a word of encouragement, a cheer when another assignment was completed, a "you can do it" when I felt like a I couldn't anymore — they were all important, and they were all greatly appreciated.
This week is an easy week to be appreciative. Times of celebration can make everything look good. But really, sometimes the truth is I simply do not stop to appreciate the network of encouragers I do have. In the busyness of life, I forgot that this shouldn't be taken for granted. I miss the love that's happening all around me because I'm too focused on getting myself to the goal.
But with school now over, as I bask in the tremendous amount of support I've recently received, I realize that this is the stuff I need to be cherishing. I need to soak it in. We all do. We need to relish the friendships and the laughter, this time in our lives that will never come again, and the people who are there with us as well as the people who helped get us to where we are.
All this might sound sappy, and I'm not going to lie. I can be a pretty sappy person. But for writers, this goes way beyond sentimentality. Beause this is the stuff that life is made of. And, therefore, this is the stuff that books are made of. Real relationships. Real feelings, good and bad. Complicated, co-existing emotions. Struggles. Wants. Hard work. Tears. Moments of joy followed by feelings of 'now what?' Celebrations. Encouragements. Long days. Life questions. Chasing dreams and holding loved one close. Telling people 'thank you'. Letting yourself cry in front of someone else. Trying your best when you might feel you have no idea what you're doing. And rejoicing in the love that exists all around you.
See, I may be writing this as a currently deeply grateful and hapy graduate, but I am also trying to keep my eyes wide open — to see this moment and chisel it into my mind; to lock this unique moment away in my mind to use for later. Writers not only need to observe, but writers need to live. We need to live in our moments and learn from our experience and hone all of our feelings and observations and truths and questions into our craft so that our characters are alive and our emotions are tangible.
So whoever, and wherever you are, look around. Take inventory of your life. Feel this moment. And then use it. Writing is important, but life should come first. For without it, there's really nothing to write about anyway.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
A Love Letter to My Graduate Degree
So this isn't actually a letter, but more of a reflection. A reflection on just how wonderful grad school has been, and just how much I have loved it.
You know, grad school is no joke. Sometimes reading up to six or seven books a week, writing weekly papers, working on a single project for more than half a semester, reading twenty-seven books over winter break, finishing a manuscript I had begun one semester during the summer between classes, writing and revising a complete manuscript under the guidance of a mentor, and completing another manuscript with a different mentor, the phrase "hard work" seems like an understatement. Grad school was harder than I thought it would be. And while the concepts and learning were definitely challenging, it was the sheer volume of the workload that created the highest demands .
I remember days going to work and feeling so overwhelmed with the amount I had to do and the little time I seemed to do it. Speeding through novels during my lunch hours and commute to work, saying no to plans and holing up in my room to finish all my assignments, outling, brainstorming, drafting, and creating — looking back it's kind of amazing how much I really got done. No wonder I am tired now. But in the midst of all this, during what perhaps seems unappealing and rather crazy to some, I have loved grad school. I have loved my program. And I have loved the people I've found within it.
Talking to my friend Allison last night, after she had turned in her last paper and was feeling slightly sad that school was now officially over, she said something to the effect of, "You know it's funny because I've never felt as much for a place as I do about Simmons." And the truth is I totally feel the same!
Coming to Simmons, I have found a community of people who are kind and interesting and passionate about the same things I am. I have found classes that challenge and expand my mind. I have found instructors who push and support and taught with enthusiasm. I have learned more about books I love and books I had never even heard of than I had ever imagined I would. I have been inspired. I have sharpened my writing skills. I have chased after my dreams. I have worked so incredibly hard. And I have tried to soak up every minute of it, getting the most out of this experience while it is here and in front of me. And now as it is ending, I reflect on just how good it has been, and what a blessing grad school has been to my life.
To be frank, coming to Simmons had been better than I had ever imagined. I almost attended a different school, but with a series of events pointing me to Simmons, I realize this was where I was supposed to be all along. I am so thankful for the learning I have done. I am so grateful for the support I have received. I am honored by my mentors who have given so much of their time and expertise to me. I am overjoyed with the friends I have made. This journey has been extraordinary.
Less than a week shy of graduation, I am looking forward to the celebration of hard work and good friendship. This season of life has really been a blessing — a journey I am so happy to have gone on no matter how hard it was at times. It's been a privilege, grad school. And an honor to walk alongside all of my friends and classmates.
So thank you to everyone who made these two years great. In school and out of school, I couldn't have done it without the support. I look forward to the many things just over the horizon, but cherish this part of the journey, and all the people who have walked along with me. Love to you all :)
You know, grad school is no joke. Sometimes reading up to six or seven books a week, writing weekly papers, working on a single project for more than half a semester, reading twenty-seven books over winter break, finishing a manuscript I had begun one semester during the summer between classes, writing and revising a complete manuscript under the guidance of a mentor, and completing another manuscript with a different mentor, the phrase "hard work" seems like an understatement. Grad school was harder than I thought it would be. And while the concepts and learning were definitely challenging, it was the sheer volume of the workload that created the highest demands .
I remember days going to work and feeling so overwhelmed with the amount I had to do and the little time I seemed to do it. Speeding through novels during my lunch hours and commute to work, saying no to plans and holing up in my room to finish all my assignments, outling, brainstorming, drafting, and creating — looking back it's kind of amazing how much I really got done. No wonder I am tired now. But in the midst of all this, during what perhaps seems unappealing and rather crazy to some, I have loved grad school. I have loved my program. And I have loved the people I've found within it.
Talking to my friend Allison last night, after she had turned in her last paper and was feeling slightly sad that school was now officially over, she said something to the effect of, "You know it's funny because I've never felt as much for a place as I do about Simmons." And the truth is I totally feel the same!
Coming to Simmons, I have found a community of people who are kind and interesting and passionate about the same things I am. I have found classes that challenge and expand my mind. I have found instructors who push and support and taught with enthusiasm. I have learned more about books I love and books I had never even heard of than I had ever imagined I would. I have been inspired. I have sharpened my writing skills. I have chased after my dreams. I have worked so incredibly hard. And I have tried to soak up every minute of it, getting the most out of this experience while it is here and in front of me. And now as it is ending, I reflect on just how good it has been, and what a blessing grad school has been to my life.
To be frank, coming to Simmons had been better than I had ever imagined. I almost attended a different school, but with a series of events pointing me to Simmons, I realize this was where I was supposed to be all along. I am so thankful for the learning I have done. I am so grateful for the support I have received. I am honored by my mentors who have given so much of their time and expertise to me. I am overjoyed with the friends I have made. This journey has been extraordinary.
Less than a week shy of graduation, I am looking forward to the celebration of hard work and good friendship. This season of life has really been a blessing — a journey I am so happy to have gone on no matter how hard it was at times. It's been a privilege, grad school. And an honor to walk alongside all of my friends and classmates.
So thank you to everyone who made these two years great. In school and out of school, I couldn't have done it without the support. I look forward to the many things just over the horizon, but cherish this part of the journey, and all the people who have walked along with me. Love to you all :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)