You know the nerves you feel when starting something new? Or just before a test, when you're supposed to prove just how much you already know — just how good you are? That's kind of how I feel right now. Just before I'm going to start revising. Thinking about how I want to make my book great and worrying that for some reason it won't live up to the potential that it could be.
Maybe you're not supposed to talk about the fact that you're nervous, or that for some reason there's this feeling of pressure around this revision process. But I can't be the only one, right? All writers have moments of anxiety and uncertainty. All writers just want their efforts to pay off and their books to be worthy of satisfaction on our parts as well as on the part of a reader. But still, I don't like this feeling. But it is what I'm feeling. So therefore I write about it.
I've taken a few weeks off to 'relax' and give myself some distance from my novel. I was going to start revising a week or two ago, but when the moment came, I just knew it wasn't time. So I pushed back the deadline and rested some more. But now as my new deadline approaches, I'm not hit with the feeling of not being ready. I think it's time. I think for my own sake I need to get back into some work. But as I start thinking about revising, I can't lie, I have butterflies in my stomach and feeling of slight dread hanging over my head. I don't think this dread is at all do to the novel, because I loved it when I finished and I still do. I think the dread has much more to do with expectations. My expectations.
I want to make this novel great. Really polished and tight and captivating, you know? And on some level I think I have part of the latter one down. But I know there's a lot of work ahead of me. And with so much hope for what this book could be, and so much love for my characters and my plot, I really, really, really want my revising to pay off.
But revising is hard. Revising is daunting. Perhaps when I dive into the work and I am so entrenched in it that I'm no longer thinking about revising but actually revising I will feel better. I will be too busy working to be worrying as much. And I will be so involved with the story that my intuition will know just what to do and just how to do it.
I am tremendously thankful that I've been able to work with my mentor this semester and for all her guidance along the way. And I am also tremendously thankful that the previous semester I have the experience of working with a fantastic editor who truly taught me what it means to revise — the rigorous, take no prisoners, cutting kind of revision that is necessary to really make a book shine. So maybe I just have to put my worries aside and jump right into the work, attacking the revision like I had so many months ago.
I think I just need to trust that I will do my best and my best will be enough. But of course that is never easy, especially when it comes to writing and the hope of publication. Regardless, I think that's the only course of action:
Work hard. Trust your abilities. Seek guidance from those you trust. And then work harder.
So wish me luck. I'm not starting today, but the time is coming soon. Any positive thoughts you'd like to send my way, I'd be happy to take! I'll be hoping your revisions go well, too, and praying that none of us let our insecurities or fears stop us.
The life of a writer is plagued with many emotions. But it's the life we choose and I know, it's what we love. So here's to taking the journey, separately, but also together!
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