On the eve of beginning a new, upper middle-grade novel, I've been thinking about all the anxiety that surrounds this beginning. The idea for my novel came to me several months ago while riding the commuter rail to work one day, and instantly I knew it was one I wanted to pursue. So I guess this novel started there, on that train so many months ago. But now as I think about really writing it, really committing to developing the idea and spending all this time hammering it out, I don't feel quite as lighthearted as I did that day on the train. And the question is why? Why does starting the novel seem more frightening than exciting?
I think the answer to the question can mainly be answered in two parts. First is simply fear. There's the fear that comes with expectation and the hope I have for what the novel will be. For several months, I've been thinking about this piece, letting the idea simmer and testing out potential story lines in my head. I've talked to my writerly friends about the idea, gauging their response to see what works and what might need to be tweaked. And from that has arisen this cloud of expectations about all the things I want my novel to be, and how the writing process should go. While the expectation may only exist in my mind, it creates a fear that maybe my book won't be all the I want it to be. Maybe the writing process will be so hard and ideas won't just flow; maybe my protagonist won't be as interesting or I'll have trouble executing the voice in the way I imagined; maybe my idea just isn't as good as I once thought. All those questions can float around and make you, or more aptly, me, feel worried about the piece before I've even begun. Which is definitely not a good thing. Because half the battle is just writing - and know it's okay to fix it later.
The second part of the answer is more of a response to the first, but a response that is not altogether easy. Starting a novel not only takes the commitment to say, 'I am going to write this,' it takes the belief in yourself as a writer. Belief that your idea is strong, that the first draft will provide you a lot of great (though maybe rough) material to work with, and that you have the talent to create the finish product. But sometimes, this belief is the hardest part.
Ultimately, starting a novel comes down to trust. Trust in your abilities. Trust in the idea. Trust that in the end, it will all be okay. Even if at the end you are not convinced it is as great as you wanted it to be, or you can't find an agent, or don't publish this novel, the important part is that you started and that you put your all into it. Not all novels end up where you want them to, or even end at all. I think there's a time as a writer when one just has to recognize when something isn't working, or you just need a break - that perhaps its time to move on to the next project and let this one sit for a while. But knowing that you have the talent, and not letting the anxieties about the final product or your great abilities get in the way is paramount to the life of a writer.
Of course, easier said than done. But know you're not alone. Writing is a uphill climb, and like any climb, you just have to take a deep breath and starting moving forward. So wish me luck as I start my new novel. Certainly, I will be cheering you on, too!
No comments:
Post a Comment