December 1st is the deadline for my last revision, and this time around, I am feeling a new sense of pressure. This pressures comes solely from myself, of course, but still. It's there. And it's there because as the end of the revision approaches, I've realized just how badly I want to make my novel great, and how the time to do that is now.
Working with my mentor over the last few months has been more than I could have ever hoped for. Truly, I have learned so much and my novel and my knowledge base as a writer has grown tremendously. But now as things are wrapping up, I feel that creeping sense of uncertainty that makes me question if I've done enough, and what more I could be doing.
Revision is not a finite process, and every manuscript and writer will require different styles and timelines for revision. For me, particularly as I was and still am on a very specific revision schedule, the period of three and a half months I have dedicated to revision is now coming to a close. And while I can revise beyond this timeframe, independently or perhaps with another editor or writing buddy, I do see this cycle as one of the final steps in my revision process — at least for now. So, with the idea that in another two weeks my manuscript will have reached a fairly "finished" state, I know my mind is just whirring with questions and lists of things to accomplish and the worry that I just want to do everything to make my manuscript as good as it can be!
Being so close to a manuscript and working with it for so long, I know it can become hard to picture what a new reader will think of the novel as opposed to basing my opinion on the many months I've spent with it. Questions like, will he like it? Will she think its a page-turner? Will he believe all the characters to be authentic and engaging? I know everything about the manuscript, from my protagonist's middle name to exactly how the doctors visit went, and just what the setup of his house looks like. So as I try to evaluate if it is "good", it can be hard to tell just how right, or — gulp — wrong, I could be. All of these questions and feelings have arisen over the past couple days as I have slowly worked through my list of things to revise, and edged closer to my final deadline.
After I turn in this revision, my editor will read the manuscript one last time, and then...Then I am on my own. I know that I will begin sending the novel to agents as I start the first pages of my spring novel, but the realization that I will be doing this all on my own has really hit me this week. Stephen won't be there for me to ask my questions to; and he won't be there to give me a specific task for the next week or impart some much needed wisdom. And it is this knowledge, that soon I will be on my own without anyone to lead me along, has inspired a new wave of diligency. A new sense that now is the time to work and work hard. Now is the time to do all that I can. In all of my other revisions, it's not that I haven't worked hard, but now, it's as though I've moved from dress rehearsal to opening night. It matters what I do this time, because this is where people will start to see it. The time to make things right is now.
It's almost like after this cycle, there is no second chance — and while really, this is my fifth, it holds the same feeling. When you come to the end of revision you want to feel as though your work is as shiny and attractive and creative as possible. You want to feel that no matter who reads it, they will come away feeling impressed, happy to have spent their time within the pages of your story. So I must work hard. Even though I am tired and ready for the semester to end, and even though there are days I feel like I might want to take a break from the world I've created, now, today, is the time to stay focused. And tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, all the way until December 1st.
Then, I will take a deep breath, press the send button, and, if I work hard for the remaining two weeks, be able to trust that my work is the best that it can be, and that the manuscript is truly ready to go out into the world. Here's to praying that it happens! And to being proud of my work at the end.
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